The Ovarian Fyst #420

  League Co-Founder

League President 2011, 2012

Current Bout Planning Coordinator


Derby Theme Song:

Tightrope by Janelle Monae

OR

Sheela Na Gig by PJ Harvey

The Ovarian Fyst, or Ovie to those who speak directly to her, was born in a pool of gasoline, on a rusty piece of scrap metal somewhere outside of Little Rock, Arkansas. That's pronounced Ark-an-saw - don't make her mess you up about this.

Born to working class Mormon parents, Ovie lived with her sister and five brothers in a sprawling six bedroom estate known as the Super Trailer. It was quickly clear there was something special about Ovie. Her fingernails grew much faster than other people's. She could live on a diet of only french fries, Little Debbie snack cakes, and Dr. Pepper. She was virtually invisible to males. She had the ability to remember the most mundane of details from television programs. Oh, and she did kill a bear when she was only three. And she may or may not talk to ghosts...

To avoid a fate as a plural wife in a polygamist marriage...or a single wife in a traditional marriage...Ovie fled the mean streets of Little Rock for the glamorous bohemian life of a theatre technician. She grew up quick and she grew up mean, her fists got hard and her wits got keen. For years she wore only black and existed in a world lit only by dim, colored clip lights. She traveled to exotic locales like Chillicothe, Ohio and Janesville, Wisconsin. She met world famous celebrities like the daytime hooker from My Name is Earl and the blonde mom from the Swiffer commercial. Eventually this jet set life took its toll and Ovie sought refuge in the hills of central Pennsylvania where she spent her time napping and pondering world domination. Knowing that she must have an army to take over the world, Ovie founded State College Area Roller Derby as a training program for the race of fierce feminist overlords you will all soon serve. Resistance is futile. All will bow before the derby goddesses.

1. Tell us about your roller derby name, how did you come up with it?

I am a devoted feminist and women’s health advocate. I’m a weirdo who talks way too much about her lady parts. I’m also a smack talking, hip checking force to be reckoned with and I do it all without “balls.”  I’ve always disliked the use of male body parts as symbols of strength and courage while the corresponding parts in women are used as insults to imply weakness and cowardice.  I have ovaries of solid rock and they’re each the size of two balls.  “the Ovarian Fyst” is an eggs out symbol of female strength.

2. Off the track, what kind of work do you do?

It’s complicated. I work nights, vigilantly keeping our community secure. I may or may not be Batman.

3. Do you have any other hobbies besides roller derby?

The usual: reading, traveling, watching well crafted television shows, committing immature acts of theft and vandalism, over applying deodorant, playing German board games, plotting world domination, and the general pursuit of sex and avoidance of work.

4. What drew you to roller derby?

I grew up roller skating and I’ve always fancied myself a tough chick. Roller derby seemed like a natural fit.  I was drawn to the rarity of a sport pioneered by women for women instead of an imitation of “what the boys do.” And knocking people down.  I love the intense physical work out that focuses on building strength and skill instead of simply trying to make yourself disappear.  And I like the chance to be physically violent in a socially acceptable setting. I love the implicit and explicit social commentary of roller derby: what does the world expect of us as women? As female athletes? How to do we challenge that/accept that/spit in its face? Did I mention I <3 hitting?

5. Tell us about the first time you participated in a bout.

It was SCAR Derby’s first Valentine’s Day massacre in 2011. We had barely begun putting our league together. Those of us who had been there from the beginning had only been derbying for 4 months. We were worried we wouldn’t sell any tickets – over 700 people were in attendance. I only skated in 2 jams but I got a couple of pretty good hits...and a penalty.

6. What’s the thing you love most about being a roller girl?/ref/NSO?

I can’t pick just one, but I can narrow it down. I love my derby name/alter ego.  I love being part of a local and worldwide community of strong women. I love the chance to be a strong, positive female role model to little girls trying to figure out their place in the world. I love the rock star/super hero moments when you do something amazing, usually something you didn’t know you could do, and you get to share it with your team and the audience.

7. What is your athletic background?

I played softball from ages 4-16 and helped found my high school’s softball team. I also played basketball from 5^th grade until 9^th grade.  I come from a sports obsessed family. I have five brothers, three played college football and two are now public school coaches. Basically every “spare” moment of my youth was spent either participating in or attending a sporting event of some kind.

8. What was your most embarrassing SCAR moment?

Vomiting on the track during the Spring Breakout bout in May 2011.

9. What would you tell a person who is thinking about coming to a SCAR Bout/trying out to ref or skate for SCAR/volunteering with SCAR?

Do it! Beware: Roller Derby is a high speed, full contact sport which you will immediately want to take part in. Luckily you can!  But don’t expect it to be easy. If it were easy, it wouldn’t be so cool. It’s physically challenging and emotionally exhausting, but it’s the most rewarding thing you can do for yourself.

10. What equipment do you use? Skates? Wheels? Protective Gear? Must-Haves?

I’m not a gear diva but I love what I use. My skates are Sure Grip Rebels (in purple, cause I rule) with Radar Flat Out wheels (in pink, wanna fight about it?). All my pads are 187 Killers, opting for the slimmer profile Fly knee pads. The two best purchases I’ve made: SISU pro-dent mouth guard and SCAB knee gaskets! Must have – tights! I always skate in tights – no rink rash or lip slips for me.

11. What’s your personal slogan?

The road to hell is paved with unbought stuffed dogs.

This is actually a quote from Hemingway’s The Sun Also Rises that I’ve been writing on bathroom walls since I was 15. Unbought stuffed dogs are opportunities you let pass by because they seem unnecessary or even ridiculous. Roller derby is my favorite stuffed dog.

12. What do you like? What do you dislike?

I like purple things, boys who wear glasses, fried food with a side of ranch, analyzing Craigslist personal ads, women with good senses of humor, girl talk, sweet wine, people secure enough to be themselves, ice cold Dr. Pepper, video games, peacock feathers, ghost stories, swimming at night, pretty stationary, twangy country music, Christmas lights, absurdist comedy, and the music of PJ Harvey.

I dislike onions, guys at bars (yep, every guy at every bar – don’t talk to me), the beauty industrial complex,  big fat phonies, gourmet food, French manicures, drama queens, competition based reality shows, pop stars on Broadway, women who cry in public to get their way, talking about your current exercise routine or diet, bands with no banjo, and Julia Roberts.

Wait...was that supposed to be about derby?